Hello There, Again. It Has Been Too Long- Life Update 24th May 2023

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     It has been a year, from my latest post. It's kinda embarrassing to see me 'updating' after a year and then 'disappear' again for a whole another year lol. It has always been like that. It's not that I don't like doing this anymore, I just do not have the consistency and the will to. But I guess, as long as I am still interested in writing, well, that should be enough. Making this as a hobby will takes too much time. So maybe in this post, I will try to keep myself in check.

    Firstly first, now I am studying Education in Visual Art. Teacher to be? InsyaAllah. I have always wanted to be a teacher since my parents and sibs involved in education field. But my dilemma during school years was, how can I be an art teacher? Then fate take me to Diploma in Fine Arts then with a leap of faith I changed my course to education in degree. I do not think I have the soul to be a fine artist. With some motivation in me and some hope for pursuing what I think I 'could' do, here I am following my parents' footsteps. 

    My father left us last year. 

    I wish I could write about him again, again and again. There was still untold stories to be shared. Dealing with grief is hard, nothing could even prepare you with grief. It feels like a piece of your soul was taken away, even until now. The love stays, but it has nowhere to go. The death itself is not what makes it soul crushing, but everything you have to deal after that. Ah, I remember what it feels like seeing everyone cried that day, I remember being the first that heard 'ayah dah takda' from the doctor and I have to pass that news to my mom that still talking with 'him'. I held some of it but only God knows, how I wished I was taken away as well ,but I guess that was how bad my mind was dealing with that. I'm really grateful that I have a strong willpower to keep myself going even after that episode. Now everything seems.... just fine. Sure it's not the same anymore but at least I still have my purpose and dreams. 

    I met new friends, well it's not really new since it has been more than a year, but yeah, it's okay. Not too much drama happening. It feels.. peaceful, and lonely. But at least it is peaceful. Sure I got assignments and all of that but it's still manageable. I guess, I do have friends that I care, which is still difficult for me to do since I have always stayed away my feelings from being attached to a person. But I do recognized their care, their concern, and I'm even grateful for the time and ears they gave me, plus I do having fun with them hahahaha. Lol imagine being a social person with avoidant attachment style, what a mix.

   Anyway I went a little bit heavy on that grief part, yeah? Maybe one day I'll write more about that, or not. I don't know man, I don't like to feel depressed haha. But accepting is moving on, so whenever that grief comes again, I'll just let it be, I believe it will get easier to deal with.

    That's all from me in this random entry. Yes all of this is really personal but, I like sharing. I can gain something from anything I read online so I hope whoever read this will gain something too. Maybe a little peek of what kind of person I am? Nah this is not me as a total, it's just my other interest and side.

Poem? yikes, I haven't write any for like two years. I'll give it a try. 

A will as high as the sky,

Wandering about the sparkling lights,

A will that makes us try,

Even if we are weak in the fights.


End.



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